Helping a Child Through Divorce

Divorce is a difficult time for parents and their children. Parents are often overwhelmed with their own emotional survival which prevents enough energy to extend to the children. The following are some thoughts about what children have expressed as their worries and some suggestions of how to love, support and guide your children during and after a divorce.

Kids are concerened about

1. Maybe this was my fault!
   Children do not have reasoning power when they are young, they see things black and white. If something goes wrong, they do not know how to reason or explain it so often they may secretly feel it was their fault. It is important for both parents to express your continued love for your child regardless of the changes. Reassure them that mom and dad had some differences they were not able to resolve and decided to do what they felt was best for everyone.
   
   
2. I don't want things to change!
   Children will have feelings which they are entitled to. It is important to support the verbal expression of their worry, concern, and fears but for some children it is hard to describe how they feel. Children may choose to act out their feelings with sadness, crying, anger, temper tantrums, defiance. Within reason, supporting a child when they express their hurt is important. When you know their behavior is a result of feeling scared, hurt, or angry, a parent can with loving care help a child to express what they are feeling. " I know this must be so difficult, tell me what you are worrying about", " Help me to understand where you are hurting", " How can I help you now ?"
   
   
3. Being caught between mom and dad!
   Children want to please both parents and they are even more vulnerable when parents divorce. If parents disagree with each other, often the child is placed in the position of having to support both parents. This is very important to them because it feels like the bottom has fallen out from underneath them. To help them feel more secure they often feel they must please both parents or they will not be loved anymore. Possibly mom or dad might leave them like they left each other. It is important for parents to not place their child in the middle by openly cutting down the other partner or putting them in any position to have to choose favorites. Often parents will overly share their frustrations about the other parent with children which places them in an awkward no win position. They need to know mom and dad have differences which they are not able to resolve. Each parent is doing what they feel is best for them and their children. Regardless of mom and dad's differences, we will always love you and be there for you.
   
   
4. Visitation Schedule- What I would like to say but I can't!
   Often times the children's visitation schedule can tend to revolve around what is most convenient for the parents as they attempt to regroup. At times, this schedule can be quite cumbersome for the child where they are switching home once or twice during the week, a few days here and a few days with the other parent, then every other weekend with one or the other parent. There is no one right way to set up visitation. Parents need to do what they feel is best for them to stabilize as individuals. But do be aware, sometimes the child is placed in a very awkward position of having to switch his life around too much. It will not be easy for them to verbalize this because, again, they do not wish to displease either parent. They are also often too young to make the decision of where they want to be. It is important for the parents to periodically review if they feel the visitation schedule is being supportive of the child. The hope is to stabilize their environments and return them to normalcy of family, school, fun and friends. Children can be asked for their input on how are things going, would anything make it better for you?
   
   
5. Two Sets of Rules- but I can do it at dad's or mom's, how come you won't let me?
   Regardless of parental differences, it is important to communicate together for the sake of the child. If at all possible, there needs to be consistency of rules and expectations between households. For many children they feel as if they are going into two different worlds, one where they are allowed to do some things and another where they are not allowed. This can become very difficult for the child. This is not to say there can not be individual differences of parenting expectations but please be aware it is helpful to have consistency of rules whenever possible. This also gives the child the feeling that even though mom and dad are not together, they still love me and will get together when raising me. If there are differences, consider discussing them in private adult time or with a third party you trust to help. This helps each person to feel supported, then present a unified front to your child as you are able. Children are smart, often they may focus on the inconsistencies of parents' expectations which can smolder the fire and re-trigger parental differences versus focusing on parenting of the child. This is a normal reaction for all kids with parental inconsistencies but becomes even more so when parents are divorcing and still have strong feelings. Consequences need also to be as consistent as able and appropriately related to the discretion. In any parenting situation it is difficult to always be consistent and back each other. The point is to understand the principle of need for consistency with similar rules and
   consequences as you are best able to provide.
   
   
6. Please don't put mom or dad down! I know you are angry and hurt but it hurts me to hear bad things about the other parent!
   
   
7. Please try to keep me as connected as possible with my old friends and support me also in making new friends.
   
   
8. Allow me to grieve the loss.
   Even though things weren't the best and often children realize the change is for the better, they still feel a loss and often secretly dream of parents being back together. A loss of what was and now isn't. As in any loss, each needs their own time, space and unconditional love to work this through. Each often does this at their own pace. Be aware if a child becomes too secluded, is withdrawn, is not eating or sleeping well, is too angry and defiant, or has out of control anger. Your child might benefit seeing your Pediatrician or seeking professional child services to provide assessment, support and guidance through this time.
   
   
9. I still want to be a kid.
   Sometimes with the devastation of divorce parents become emotionally overwhelmed and paralyzed, there may be a tendency to overly share your emotions with your child. In one way, the child thinks this is great, mommy or daddy needs me. In reality, they are placed in a position to parent their parent. Of course it is ok to share your grief and hurt, just not overly so where your child becomes your only solace. If you have little other solace than your child, consider some new outside interests or counseling to support you caring for yourself. Once you care for you, you are better able to parent your child.
   
   
10. Let me see Grandma and Grandpa and all my relatives.
    If possible, try to maintain family support from both sides. Encourage families to not air their differences with the children or place them in a position to make one parent look bad.The more love and support from extended families creates a stronger foundation of loving resources. It is difficult for kids to feel they are also losing contact with relatives due to the parental differences. If conflict or emotions are high and unable to be contained, use your judgement on what is best for your child.
    
    
11. Have fun with me!
    Please always allow me some special time with only you on occasion. As time moves on and new lives are established, please always know I need some special one to one time with you.
    This goes for each child in the family and is also very important if parents choose new relationships. Routines and special times where each can have fun is greatly appreciated.Note again this is within the framework of balance for the parent and their adjustment.
    Just so you are aware, kids if able, love some special private time just with you.

Resources

If you or your child feel you would like some support during this period, or are concerned you or your child is too overwhelmed to cope, some possible resources might include:

1. St John's Mercy OutPatient Counseling for children and adults. Please call 314-628-6550 for more information.
   
   
2. St John's Child Psychiatry Department for assessments, therapy, medication management and referral to resources. Please call 314-251-6898 for more information.
   
   
3. Kids in the Middle, an organization that offers counseling for children when parents go through divorce. Please call 314-909-9922 for more information.
   
   
4. Web site resources:
   
   American Academy of Child Adolescent Psychiatrists (AACAP)